I’m thinking about you today as you are so far from home. I keep going over things in my mind. I have had your lifetime to prepare for this time, sometimes wanting it to come quickly and sometimes hoping it would never come. Most of the time though, I have been preparing myself and preparing you, by madly gathering life’s questions and answers in the hope that I haven’t forgotten anything. I keep revising the list inside my head; checking off all the things I know I’ve already told you – so many times. Protecting you and preparing you has been such a big part of who I am – it’s hard to redefine myself and accept that my job is done.
I remind myself that this is about you, but as usual, here I am making it about me again. Slightly neurotic, I find myself wanting to explain or apologize or gain some kind of forgiveness from you. I want to go back into your history and call myself to your attention and wipe the slate clean of all my mistakes. I do admit that I have been less than I should have been at times, and I don’t want you thinking it was your fault or that you didn’t deserve better. Yeah, yeah, I hear you say ‘Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter”.
I have such an urge to tell you of promises I made, as you slept below my heart all those years ago. So very real and profound to me, and so intense I’m sure I’d weep if I even tried to tell you. You of course, would shift from one leg to the other and endure my disclosure with patience.
Pictures of first steps, first words and first everything else’s consume me—Tooth fairies, Santa Claus and Easter bunnies, little trophies, wall posters, art projects, dress-up clothes, and Lego buildings. I’m indulging myself, it’s my prerogative. I want to reminisce. I’m going back to the baby and you are going forward to the woman. You have freedom, independence and adventure on your mind. I know you are ready; capable, competent and smarter than I’ll ever be.
My attitude shifts as I accept that you don’t need any precautions, no more moralizing; no more “You know what you should do…” And even though I have represented myself as parent and teacher, I see so clearly that I have also been the pupil. I have learned so much from you, you have played such a large part in molding me into the person I am. You have taught me well and I thank you.
I love you with all of my heart!